Funny Status Messages

   My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   I went to Walmart in my pajamas and came out married to my cousin.

   My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...

   A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.

   Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   When I said "I wanted to be held" I didn't mean "by the Authorities".

   Every bar bathroom should have a cupholder.

   I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   how come everything on a cereal box becomes 10 times more interesting to read when you're eating cereal?

   I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!

   There's something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it's lunch money.