Funny Status Messages

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing.....

   Sochi Olympic officials announce construction is complete and the facilities are now ready......

   To my future kids: You'll start off with a flip phone. Idgaf if the iPhone 15 is out by then, you're gonna know the struggle.

   If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?

   How can you complain for 11 months then be thankful on Facebook for 30 days???

   One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.

   Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   I am thankful for the hide feature on FB.

   My dog was barking at the back door and my wife was yelling at the front door. I always let the dog in first because at least its shuts up when it gets in the house.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

   Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.

   Dont you hate it when you realize you have to take a $hit right after you shower