BEGO Funny Status Messages

   God Created the Universe,everything else is 'Made In China'

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder...but Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   It would be so cool if I could see what my life would be like if I had made different decisions.

   Do you call Gatorade by the color instead of the flavor. 

   1:00pm *Hears noise* "Hmm I wonder what that was..." 1:00am *Hears noise* "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE MURDERED!"

   All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.

   I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.

   You know it's awkward when your dad sends friend requests to all your friends.

   The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.

   Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew?

   Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

   You know you're married when you find her sexier with clothes on.

   I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."

   I can already hear the birds judging me for sleeping till noon tomorrow.

   Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much!

   There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"

   I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

   The new iPhone 5 will totally revolutionize the way I send all of your calls straight to voicemail.

   Dear Ex, remember those I love you more fights? I won.