Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   After a lightbulb burns out, I always have to shake it to make sure that it is truly, burned out, and that it is not playing some kind of lightbulb joke on me.

   Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.

   The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.

   I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status. !!!!

   bubblewrap under his bedsheets, so during the "Heat of Passion" it sounds like FIREWORKS going off!

   Tonight I'm leaving my sobriety at home, along with my indoor voice and any behavior that can be mistaken as 'ladylike'.

   Friday is like a bra... You did your job all week, now it's time to take it off!... anyone need a hand??

   If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."

   I was Home School Valedictorian!

   If any of you heard a loud, painful scream followed by hysterical weeping, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   Sometimes I wonder why I ever came to this Earth

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've f*****.." group, sorry..

   I'll never just put the seat down; the lid's going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   I don't know about y'all but every time I see that Direct TV commercial...I really want a miniature giraffe.

   I figured out a great way to pick up women. I painted my car to look like a taxi.

   Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first. Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

   I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.