Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm just sitting here thinking of all the absolutely incredible things that I could accomplish this year. That is, of course, if I gave a sh/t....

   reminds parents of children under 3 years to refer to their kid's age in years, not months. It's a child, not cheese.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then going home to sit on Swedish furniture, watching American shows on a Japanese TV.

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

   Labor Day was canceled because too many people couldn't remember what it was like to have a job :)

   Have you ever woke up in the morning wanting to smack someone for NO apparent reason?

   Dear Man Next To Me: You might want to turn down your iPod, because everyone in the room can tell you're listening to "Party In The USA" even though you don't think they can.

   Since M&M's have been saturating the market with various different types of flavors and centers, here's an idea for them: put mini M&M's inside regular ones and voilà! M&M's Pregnants.

   Got my Halloween costume- Snookie! I will wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body umpa loompa orange, walk around half naked, drunk and obnoxious.

   sleeps well with others

   A save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   Brush your teeth or please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.

   When I post a good status message that gets lots of comments, I feel like I just rode a bull for 8 seconds at the rodeo

   Attention bullies: if you're looking for lunch money, there are tons of nerds hoarding around outside Apple Stores right now.

   In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   They call it "Cash for Gold" because "Cash for all the Sh*t You Stole to Support Your Meth Habit" didn't have the same ring to it.