Funny Status Messages

   getting to work on time only makes the day longer!

   Sometimes, I intentionally wait a few minutes before I "comment" on a FB friends "comment" about my status just so they think that I actually do something else besides stare at my computer all day

   My wife is driving me crazy with nagging! I came back from the store with the list she gave me and now she's all on my case because I forgot ONE little kid.

   Quick!! Someone make a status update about tomorrow being Monday and how you're already counting down the days until the weekend is here...

   Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead.

   If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.

   I hold my Nintendo gun sideways when I'm playing Duck Hunt cause I'm a Gangsta!

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOU...

   I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't “fun to be around.”

   Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers

   I shouldn't have had that 14th cup of coffee... I CAN'T EVEN BLINK ANYMORE!

   Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona's immigration laws.

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

   Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

   Charlie Sheen is now suing the tsunami that hit Japan for replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV.

   The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.