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Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead. 
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
So Osama Bin Ladens dead....Amazing what Americans can do when playstation network is down
getting to work on time only makes the day longer!
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't “fun to be around.”
Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona's immigration laws.
No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.
They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Charlie Sheen is now suing the tsunami that hit Japan for replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 7 more times before then.
Life is weird. You can go from being strangers. To being friends. To being more than friends. To being pratically strangers again.
If I owned a copy shop, I'd only hire identical twins to work there.
MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.
Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.
I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
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