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The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers 
Dear Facebook, we asked for a 'dislike' button, not a confusing profile layout, or a smaller font size! Sincerely, Facebook User
You think the glass is half empty. I just appreciate that I have some beer left in it.
Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.
going to spend his cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home
talk is cheap, thats why everyone can afford it
Google Instant is great, but I find it disturbing that "grannies doing young studs" pops up before I finish typing "granola."
His next day off the kids get to pick where we get to go.... Please pick the liquor store... Please pick the liquor store.
I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity.
Remember the first time you were ther leader of the line in kindergarten?........ That was the SHIZNITT!!!!
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
Why worry about the world ending today, Its tommorow in Japan.
Oh how winky faces make anything sound dirty (;
When someone changes their relationship status to "It's complicated." it always means that they don't know which hand to use...
If I offend you in any way, please let me know so I can do it again.
Really hate how some of my friends try to fish for compliments with their posts that say "post one word that reminds you of me" I always post back, I can't think of one word, but there are two that really stand out to me.
Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.
Talk is Cheap because the supply has always exceeded the demand.
I'm picturing you naked right now. Airbrushed, Photoshopped and digitally enhanced, but totally naked...
Did you say photographic memory or pornographic memory? I have one of those. 