Funny Status Messages

   Okay, I'll admit it. I just don't have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   just spent the rest of my Halloween money on Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale.....I hope the trick-or-treaters are happy with some cough drops and a few beef bouillon cubes this year.

   I can't decide if I'm in the right place at the wrong time or the wrong place at the right time.

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Remember, what doesn't kill you, makes a great story.

   Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

   Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.

   Interesting that a lot of religions are anti-pork because bacon is the thing that makes me believe in God.

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   Oh, you're having a bad day? In 1976, Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000.

   I'm not ready to adopt a highway, but a dead end street feels familiar and manageable.

   Was gonna deactivate my facebook..but I thought I'd be so proud of myself I'd wanna put it as my status..so I thought it was no point! :)

   I can't believe I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.