Funny Status Messages

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant

   "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking me if I have a pulse.

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   Solving crimes was a lot easier 30 years ago. All you had to do was ask Huggy Bear who did it…

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   Who gets the binders full of women?

   My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.

   Women dont say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!"

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   Even when I'm home alone, I always lock the bathroom door. I've seen Zombieland. I'm not going out like that.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.