Funny Status Messages

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   dont know who this lady ISIS is but she must be one crazy B ****

   ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?

   ..... Just heard that the Etch-a-Sketch art museum in DC was a total loss ...

   There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

   I found out today that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and is planning to go back to using her real name, "Danny DeVito"

   A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   I had an active life, until some idiot came along and introduced me to Facebook.

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

   it's a crazy day when guys wanna see a movie about a teddy bear and girls wanna see a movie about strippers

   While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer

   She stole my heart so I told her to keep it. Thats not the part I'm going to be needng to bang all her friends with anyway.