Funny Status Messages

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

   Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!

   Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   It's been exactly a year since I quit drinking. And 364 days since I started again.

   why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....

   The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

   They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans..

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, thats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   Im not fat I'm just easier to see

   Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look fat.

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.