Funny Status Messages

   The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.

   Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks.

   Given the places I've had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".

   You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.

   I wonder if Miley Cyrus's foam finger will be sold on Ebay? Pretty sure there will have to be a disclosure stating "Warning: Smells Like Shame"

   If Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?

   SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.

   f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.

   Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.

   There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.

   Facebook's adding hashtags and Instagram's adding videos. Go home you two, you're drunk.

   In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now