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Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up. 
There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.
Facebook's adding hashtags and Instagram's adding videos. Go home you two, you're drunk.
Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.
P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
So...you got married, cheated on your spouse, got divorced and now can't seem to find a good, honest person?? Sounds like you just got owned by karma.
Just watched my daughter's boyfriend take 90 seconds to get a straw in a Capris Sun. Safe to say I can put the shotgun away now.
I'm at that age now that if I am at a bachelor party and a stripper jumped out of a cake I would worry that she will get hair on my peice.
I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
In honor of Presidents Day, I'm making HUGE promises to everyone that I have no intention of keeping...
Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.
The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.
By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane. 