Funny Status Messages

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.

   If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!"

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom

   Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.

   My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.

   If Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.

   if I live to be over 100 I'm gonna tell people something crazy of how I've lived to be that old like I ate a pine cone everyday or something like that.

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks.

   Given the places I've had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".

   You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.

   I wonder if Miley Cyrus's foam finger will be sold on Ebay? Pretty sure there will have to be a disclosure stating "Warning: Smells Like Shame"

   f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.