Funny Status Messages

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   And now stepping into the on- deck cirle, Lindsay Lohan.

   Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!

   Hey toilette paper manufactures, you think you can make the last six sheets a courtesy red? Thanks

   That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.

   Why is it that melted cheese tastes like a zillion times better than regular cheese?

   eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza.

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   I do everything faster when I have to pee.

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.

   Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.

   Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn't listening to begin with.

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   Everyone thinks that girls dream about finding the perfect guy, pssht we dream about eating whatever we want and not getting fat!