Funny Status Messages

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!"

   Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   I don't do drugs. I can get the same effect just standing up fast!

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

   Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.