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The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it. 
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood...... LOTS and LOTS of blood... And then you die. So don't open your heart.
Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee.
My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.
I thought we were gonna buy Mexico, Then fix it up & flip it... What ever happened with that?
OMG!!! Direct TV is no longer showing Viacom channels... How am I going to watch 16 and Pregnant now? Oh.. wait.. Walmart. NEVERMIND!
Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.
you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?
I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.
The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.
Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.
DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky.. 