Funny Status Messages

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   WebMD needs to add the question “Have you eaten Taco Bell today?” when asking about stomach-related symptoms.

   My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.

   Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.

   Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.

   Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.

   Some guy just gave me half of a peace sign.

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.

   I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."

   Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"

   If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.

   I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.