Funny Status Messages

   so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....

   video game logic: Everyone worse than me is a noob. Everyone better than me has no life

   Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

   When we start seeing our posts used by comedians...It's time to band together and sue!

   What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight.

   I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.

   Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.

   I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do

   Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!

   If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.

   I remember as a teenager I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even have the ringer on.

   They should just install an elevator on Mt. Everest and be done with it.

   I can already hear Monday morning whispering Go F***Yourself in my ear.

   When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.

   Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner.