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I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands 
What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.
Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.
If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!
Girls cheat if there's something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there's an opportunity to get away with it.
Brunette: what r you doing? Blonde: trying 2 commit suicide. Brunette: the rope goes around your neck, not your waist. Blonde: Tried that, but I couldn't breathe.
going to be wearing an armor plated vest just in case Cupid gets any ideas.
I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting
I find it curious that Kermit sings about how hard it is being green but nothing about screwing a pig.
People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.
I'm just going to flip the omelette now. Annnnnnnndddd, now I'm having scrambled eggs.
The most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series is that Ron and Harry never once used the invisibility cloak to watch the girl wizards in the shower. That is the first thing most teenage boys would do.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I don't need to know how to read Chinese to know that your neck tatoo says "I earn minimum wage"
Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that's raising your child...
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested. 