Funny Status Messages

   People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.

   How could it be called a "botched execution" if the scumbag is dead.

   If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head...

   If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

   The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off

   Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

   How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

   The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

   If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.

   I'm just going to flip the omelette now. Annnnnnnndddd, now I'm having scrambled eggs.

   The most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series is that Ron and Harry never once used the invisibility cloak to watch the girl wizards in the shower. That is the first thing most teenage boys would do.

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   I don't need to know how to read Chinese to know that your neck tatoo says "I earn minimum wage"

   Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that's raising your child...