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Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay. 
Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
If Batman and Catwoman had a kid, it would become either a Batcat, or the less popular Manwoman.
Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!
I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.
My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
asks: Is it wrong to want to be the designated driver just so you can drop obnoxious drunk a$$holes off at random houses that aren't theirs?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!
Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible
I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.
So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? Where are the T.V. Benefits with celebrities and musicians giving heart felt speeches on the poor fisherman, wildlife, beaches, loss of income and sabotaged gulf economy?
When we were little, why were we so scared of our parents counting to three?
Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the f#*k is Justin Beiber?"
People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs. 