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When times are Tough, you know who your Real Friends are. When times are Easy...you know who your Drinking Friends are! 
Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”
The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want.
Thankyou for calling Comcast America's #1 Cable Co. My name is Habib Akmed Musaffa Akmed Habib, How may I mis-understand you today?!!!
Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...
I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)
How does justin bieber remove a condom? He farts.
I avoid "online dating sites" because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don't want to go out with a weirdo.
enjoying a great drinking game - I'm watching ESPN and taking a drink every time a player says "you know" during an interview.
a lesbian trapped in a mans body.....
finally understood reality is an illusion. It is created by the lack of alcohol...
if you put pictures of lost kids on Beer Cans instead of Milk Cartons we'd find them in about 15 minutes
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!
My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Bald people shouldn't wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant
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