Funny Status Messages

   It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   If you hated taking quizzes in school, why the hell are you doing them on Facebook......and putting them on my News Feed?

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

   Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   We're all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   If I blocked you on Facebook, what makes you think I want to talk to you in real life?

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but when I'm busy, my phone blows up.