Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   May the guy who invented SpellCheck burn in Hello

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.

   Ladies, your man is going to do it with you, alone or with someone else so it's your fault if he screws around...

   I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change

   with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance

   With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon

   If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.

   The white house staff has more turnovers than a bakery.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Everyone keeps talking about a civil war. A key detail everyone keeps forgetting...one side has 8 trillion bullets and the other doesn't know which bathroom to use.

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!

   "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." -Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.

   I thought cross fit was a way to get abs like Jesus.

   Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   For Sale: Eclipse glasses. Like new. Only used once. Make offer.

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???

   I am sure glad no one got a picture of my full moon....