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How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal?
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08-08-2019 23:53
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Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes
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08-09-2019 13:11
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When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.
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08-19-2019 09:31 by
SEAN
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Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!
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08-20-2019 16:26 by
Fluff!!
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No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.
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08-23-2019 19:13
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My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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09-06-2019 12:35
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I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.
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09-09-2019 17:05 by
SKB
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Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.
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09-19-2019 05:59
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If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!
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09-25-2019 15:56
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What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.
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09-25-2019 20:59
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i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package
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09-26-2019 05:02
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The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.
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09-26-2019 13:36
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*Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
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09-26-2019 13:46
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The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
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09-26-2019 15:29
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'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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10-02-2019 05:58
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A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.
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10-02-2019 06:55
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
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10-02-2019 06:59
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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12-20-2019 11:26
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Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.
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02-08-2016 20:06
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Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...
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02-19-2016 13:53
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