Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   FREE LOTTERY ADVICE!!!! If tomorrow you find out you holding the winning ticket. (Before anyone finds out) call everyone you know let them you have an emergency and need to borrow $500. They will likely ignore you. This will come in handy in a few weeks w

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.

   Do you always fist bump the cashier whenever your card doesn't get declined? Yeah, me neither. Good talk.

   I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet. Funny 8 Insightful 0 WTF? 3 GTFO! 1

   Something I have in common with Mariah Carey- I don't know the words to her songs either.

   I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on. Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   CNN = Counterfeit News Network

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   I heard someone say they wouldn't wish Dementia/Alzheimers on their WORST ENEMY. I would. They'd forget about killing me.

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   If 3 Doors Down is playing the inauguration who's covering their shifts at Applebee's?

   Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...

   It's not likely that any of you have ever heard of the Fugawi Indian Tribe. It was a lost tribe that spent their days wandering the plains, endlessly chanting, "Where the Fugawi?"

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.