Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"

   HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.

   Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

   OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.

   My favorite form of gratification is instant.

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.

   Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.

   I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.

   Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'

   Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.