Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   All of these years in therapy have finally paid off folks... Turns out my therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   if I Really tell Santa what I want for Christmas, Then I will definitely be on his naughty list ...

   Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.

   I think I'll build me a snowman and dress him up as a security guard, leave him out front to guard that snow bank.

   Seen one sneaker in the road agin this week.. How does this happen? Somewhere there is a jogger who get's home look's down at their feet and say's "Not again...I lost another one"

   If you think Amy Schumer is either hot or funny, you're what's wrong with America....

   To any of my single Lady friends, if your wish to have me naked for Christmas, private message me. Thanks.

   I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

   You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"

   it's the time of year agian to get a lot of fruit cakes...now I cant wait for them to leave & go back to their own homes

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   I would watch “The Bachelor” if the next bachelor was Chumlee.

   I just realized the most exciting part of playing Monopoly is picking the token.

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!

   Be honest....has ANYONE ever eaten the Fruit Cake they got for Christmas?