Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.

   Dear Santa: Please refer to my Pinterest board.

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.

   The fact thst humanity has to clarify that any lives matter should be concern enough.

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   Your mamma hole is so hairy , it was a guest on Duck Dynasty

   There is no security measure as ineffective as an apartment complex gate system.

   Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   "Water is Life"? Don't you remember the time it tried to drown you?

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...

   An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   All I want for Christmas is an air hockey table. It will go great with my air guitar.

   Last night I went to a "Testicular Cancer" survivor party. Everyone had a ball.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn't let you skip.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.