Funny Status Messages

   wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...

   Miley Cyrus is going to coach and mentor the Top 11 Finalists on American Idol...In related news, the same agent has booked Tiger Woods to be the mentor on The Bachelor ...

   if at first you don't succeed, you will never make it to second.

   realizes he is too apologetic sometimes. Sorry.

   If you can't fix it with duct tape, WD-40 or a martini it aint worth fixing.

   Dont you ou hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?",

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH.

   There are times where you really do feel sorry for Squidward.

   If you think about it Johnny Bravo would be perfect for Jersey Shore.

   If they made a remote control to find remote controls, I'd probably lose that too.

   Anti-Depression Tip: Go to your local Wal-Mart and hang out by the fitting rooms. Instant "OMG I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT THEM!" happy.

   The fact that you continue to speak ,although I informed you I'm not listening, puzzles me.

   With gas prices headed towards $4.00/gal, I think its time we formed an intergovernmental organization of oil consumers. We should call it the Organization of Fuel Using Countries, and tell OPEC that if they keep it up they'll be hearing from OFUC.

   Forget air brushing. Your profile pic needs sandblasting!

   feeling the after b-day fb blues ...there's only 1 post from a friend on my wall..and it's farmville..

   screw the box! I think outside the straight-jacket

   I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my a$$!!

   I'm gonna show up for work with a skip on my step, ans a huge smile on my face. USA! USA! USA!