Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   ..... OK .... Listen up boys and girls ..... If Hillary Clinton can claim to not remember how to identify a classified document ...... How can she claim to have never sent or received one? ..... Any Plausible Answers?

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   Ive been using the same tube of mascara for longer than Brock Turner was in jail.

   If Hillary wins it means way too many illegal mexicans are voting

   Stop petting my peeves!

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.

   "We are closer now to WW3 than we have ever been before" That was a news headline. Obviously we are closer now, thats how time works.

   Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.

   Did you know, The White House was almost the Mauve House if not for a mix up at Sherwin-Williams.

   Not do be outdone by the iPhone 7, Samsung announced today that their new phone will have a slightly less exploding battery.

   Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   Matt Lauer got his journalism degree in a Bazooka Joe comic.

   Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston split. What?!?! No one saw this coming except her label which began cover art for her new album the night they kissed.

   Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.