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At least once a day I pause to remember the fish from the Faith no More video. 
I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.
Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.
Out of everything Johnny Depp has been accused of, his wearing a crop top jersey in Nightmare on Elm Street has got to be the worst.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, my injuries were only super-fish-oil.
Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man, but if they had a sex olympics my husband would be in the hunt for the title.
If you can't say something nice, go write a YouTube comment.
My wife : "What's the big deal with Usain Bolt finishing in under 10 seconds? You do that all the time."
Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? You do now.
It costs you nothing to pay someone a compliment. Be nice to someone today. Kindness is contagious.
Hey parents: I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.
currently in the county jail trying to explain to the man in uniform that I was playing pokemon, trying to catch a pikachu when he caught me looking in your window.
There are Pumas wearing shirts with Usain Bolt's likeness on them.
... Hillary Clinton has released her position on Trade....... She will Trade Political Favors for Money.
The Cub's fired the sound guy for playing "smack my btich up" but kept the guy who actually smacked his btich up!!
... Turns out that FBI Director James Comey absolutely wanted to recommend the Indictment of Hillary Clinton. But found out that if he did ...... he might end up committing Suicide!
Drug corners are the original pop-up shops.
Obama has disgraced the memory of the black U.S. presidents that came before him.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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