Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There is something I really like about women's beach volleyball but I can't put my finger on it.

   Any man believes in freedom of speech at least for themselves.

   IS says is America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.

   I.S.I.S says if America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.

   Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

   Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.

   Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.

   3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool.

   Reminder: You have 50 Facebook events you never said you're interested in today.

   Hope Solo is my least favorite Star Wars character besides Jar Jar Binks.

   Sausage Party is expected to break the box office record for R-rated animated movies, which currently stands at $800.

   I can’t wait until they come out with Oreo flavored Oreos.

   The government is behind the whole "60 is the new 40" thing so they can raise the retirement age to 92.

   The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   Mexico isn't doing too well in the Olympics. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already gone to the United States.

   Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.