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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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At least my parents don't show their disappointment in me as much as my cat does.
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08-06-2016 21:17
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My rags to riches story is going from Top Ramen to $12 Ramen with an egg in it.
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08-06-2016 21:18
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The porn parody of Suicide Squad had better character development than the actual movie.
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08-06-2016 21:19
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.... In case you are wondering kiddies ..... Bongs are definitely the sound of Unemployment .... So stay away from them ... Well ... unless you're a Democrat .... Then that is probably why you became one in the first place.
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08-06-2016 21:52
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Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.
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08-06-2016 23:27 by
BEGO
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On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.
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08-07-2016 03:16
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Why is it that every relationship with the best sex also comes with drama and domestic violence?
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08-07-2016 11:14
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Generic dollar store condoms on your trip to Thailand.
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08-07-2016 14:20
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Blenders: You buy them with the intention on making healthy smoothies but end up making some kick a$$ margaritas.
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08-07-2016 14:21
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Enjoy watching Suicide Squad by leaving 121 minutes before it finishes....
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08-07-2016 14:22
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It wasn't until it came home with tattoos and a carton of cigarettes that I realized how bad the milk in my fridge had truly gone.
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08-07-2016 14:22
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Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."
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08-07-2016 14:24
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If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.
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08-07-2016 14:25
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Cut the crap, everybody knows you got your fedora at Target.
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08-07-2016 14:26
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Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.
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08-07-2016 14:27
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The time I was so drunk I forgot what a bar was and called it the Beer Desk.
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08-07-2016 14:28
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Not unlike jury duty, every American eventually gets a letter in the mail indicating that it's their turn to feud with Taylor Swift.
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08-07-2016 14:30
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If you tweet as a couple and split up, she gets custody of all the followers. That's the way it works. He might get a RT on weekends.
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08-07-2016 14:31
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If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.
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08-07-2016 14:32
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There's nothing quite like that moment when your toddler comes for a cuddle, looks deep into your eyes, and sneezes directly into your face.
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08-07-2016 14:33
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