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If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid. 
Doesn't like being told what to do unless he is naked
n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.
If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.
"Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...
Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."
I don't run away from my problems. That's immature. I ignore them.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.
My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute
Ladies, if you are not that good an artist on paper, what makes you think you are a good artists on your eyebrows? Stop domestic violence against eyebrows!!
You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.
When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. 