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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Sorry my toast at your wedding was just the surgeon generals warning with the word marriage replacing the word smoking.
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07-30-2016 05:18
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If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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07-30-2016 05:19
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Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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07-30-2016 05:21
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Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?
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07-30-2016 05:23
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50% of my drive time is me fighting the urge to smile and wave at red light cameras.
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07-30-2016 05:25
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Love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton.
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07-30-2016 05:32
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Well, set the “Consecutive days gone without spilling food on myself” calendar back to zero. It was good three hour run.
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07-30-2016 05:35
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Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.
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07-30-2016 05:36
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The More You Know: Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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07-30-2016 05:37
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What amazes me most about bathroom graffiti is the forethought it took to carry a Sharpie.
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07-30-2016 05:38
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Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.
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07-30-2016 05:39
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Pro Tip: Punching the air is the quickest way to dry your hands and the best way to keep ghosts from humping you.
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07-30-2016 05:41
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Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone
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07-30-2016 08:10 by
Snotty
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Wait, were those actually political conventions or a seemingly endless loop of American Horror Story??
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07-30-2016 08:31
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Things I do for klondike bars: 1) Buy them 2) Steal them 3) You
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07-30-2016 09:11
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it true that the tons of confetti dropped at the Democrat National Convention was actually Hillary's shredded emails?
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07-30-2016 13:01
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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07-30-2016 13:20 by
Snotty
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Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.
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07-30-2016 13:32 by
snotty
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I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming
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07-30-2016 13:33 by
snotty
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I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids
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07-30-2016 13:36 by
snotty
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