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Every Christmas for the last 15 years, I've been too drunk to remember the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, enough is enough. It's time to get my act together. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman. 
Time heals everything...except bad tattoos.
Behind every great musician, there is a great drug dealer.
i just saw several boys gathered in my neighbors yard. Figured its probably related to someones milkshake. or a drug deal... too soon to tell.
"I didnt do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it is a f*cking genius!"
Gadaffi has been killed but unfortunately the 14 other spellings of his name remain at large.
Mmmk....can we please have cheaper gasoline now that Ghaddafi is dead?
Me: "What was your major in college?" Friend: "I'm majoring in Debtology and Unemployconomics. Sure is a lot of students in the classes."
If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.
Duct tape and bungee cords on someone's car says "watch out, I definitely don't have any insurance"
I feel like I should apologize to my shower drain.
The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it.
Make a wish, and only you know it. Make a mistake, and everyone knows it.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine
Seasons Beatings from your local Dominatrix office.
The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”
Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.
My elderly neighbor wanted to know what my email number was.
Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.
I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up. 