Funny Status Messages

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg, and some days you're the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down....

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   Sorry kids, no wifi this month, our loser neighbor didn't pay his bill.

   Somebody tell mayweather he is supposed to hug his wife and punch the guy in the ring, not the other way around

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.

   We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.

   CNN Breaking news: Grand Canyon is closed, please don't look if you are driving or flying through.....

   Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir

   I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   Girls just wanna have fun? Yeah right, just try and not get her a Christmas present and see where that gets ya.

   Dear Zuckerberg: Please create a "Drama Queen" button = Like = Unlike = Drama Queen = Comment

   gonna make a bundle in zodiac tattoo removal!!!!

   sick of reality television show...If I wanted a dose of reality, I'd look out of my freakin window. -_-

   If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.