Funny Status Messages

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.

   Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I've turned myself around.

   When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.

   A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.

   You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning...

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.

   If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.

   People getting out of prison will probably be on Myspace now saying "Where's everybody at?"

   I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.