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   messageicon When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.
←Rate | 09-19-2013 14:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
←Rate | 10-27-2013 13:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.
←Rate | 10-30-2013 05:29 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.
←Rate | 11-06-2013 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one is being forced to read my posts, unfriend me or I'll block you at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction. I'm helpful like that
←Rate | 12-01-2013 17:33 by Jackoo Comments (0)  


   messageicon At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.
←Rate | 12-02-2013 22:00 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".
←Rate | 12-09-2013 14:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window
←Rate | 12-30-2013 13:11 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
←Rate | 02-14-2014 09:29 by Jeff W Comments (0)  


   messageicon be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool
←Rate | 06-27-2014 02:08 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
←Rate | 07-12-2014 07:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
←Rate | 07-25-2014 07:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
←Rate | 08-04-2014 05:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
←Rate | 08-20-2014 01:47 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.
←Rate | 08-21-2014 09:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.
←Rate | 08-22-2014 09:06 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon
←Rate | 11-11-2014 12:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
←Rate | 11-23-2014 07:18 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.
←Rate | 07-25-2014 07:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time
←Rate | 09-05-2014 10:14 by Baddie Comments (0)  



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