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When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.
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09-19-2013 14:57
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A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
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10-27-2013 13:03
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The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.
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10-30-2013 05:29 by
flinnie
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Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.
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11-06-2013 15:09
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No one is being forced to read my posts, unfriend me or I'll block you at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction. I'm helpful like that
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12-01-2013 17:33 by
Jackoo
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At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.
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12-02-2013 22:00 by
snotty
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I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".
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12-09-2013 14:28
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It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window
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12-30-2013 13:11 by
Baddie
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Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
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02-14-2014 09:29 by
Jeff W
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be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool
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06-27-2014 02:08 by
Baddie
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When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
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07-12-2014 07:33
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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07-25-2014 07:29
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There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
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08-04-2014 05:07 by
andrew jackson
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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08-20-2014 01:47 by
Baddie
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Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.
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08-21-2014 09:43
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Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.
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08-22-2014 09:06 by
Baddie
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I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon
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11-11-2014 12:52
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My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
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11-23-2014 07:18 by
huck
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It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.
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07-25-2014 07:28
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Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time
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09-05-2014 10:14 by
Baddie
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