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The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t. 
"I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"
The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from
Hypochondriacs with OCD make the best house keepers.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams!
10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'
A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll
Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.
My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea
Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.
“Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree
Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.
Do our elected officials even know what their Job Description is? I'm pretty sure it doesn't include ignoring and trashing the Constitution!
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I'm OCD.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Today is our 9 years anniversary here. Keep em coming folks
After this we should all invade Mexico and vote for Justin Bieber. See how they like that.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents. 