Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   I'm not horrified by your views on this whole public restroom issue, I'm horrifed that you would actually use a public restroom.

   Girls don't give you phone numbers anymore its here is my snapchat name

   Whenever I see a dog I say hello,when I see a human I try not to make eye contact and hope it goes away

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   I'm going to open a Star Wars themed Chinese Restaurant called "Hung So Lo."

   Never play Uno with Mexicans they will steal all the green cards.

   My wife walked in the room with crotchless panties and said eat this. I said hell no look what it did to your underwear.

   Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...

   Beyonce New Lemonade video is making me feel like my man is cheating on me. ... and I dont even have one. me....

   Dear Burger King, We are not really enticed by the idea you are now selling hotdogs. The weird people you place in your television ads really doesn't help either. Just stick to burgers. Sincerely, Everyone.

   I don't hate anybody. I'm just not neccesarily excited by their existance....

   The past two weeks I've eaten nothing but fiber rich foods. Fiber, fiber, fiber. So anyway, this morning I go to use the bathroom and...well, let's just say I'm the proud owner of a brand new wicker coffee table.

   Gun free zones do not stop shooters so what makes you think a bathroom sign will stop a sexual predator... Common sense people...

   All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?

   Funny all those people that love Prince and don't mind his drug abuse probably complained about Lance Armstrong

   Just a heads up...it is World Naked Gardening Day on May 7th. Rest assured, I will not be participating.

   Bernie Sanders is so evil for laying all those people off. I guess they can go back to the unemployment line or mom's basement.

   Bernie's campaign workers definitely Felt The Bern on their way to the unemployment office.