Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

   TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

   The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   Yea i've climbed mountains before [checking my reflection in a butter knife] mountains of babes

   "Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"

   "Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. " And you're a human being not a lobster?!

   [on a date] Me: I own an airplane , racecar, and a yacht... Her: Wow... Me: But not all at the same time,, I haven't got that many Legos

   Fast food workers that want a tip confuse me, if you want a tip, be a server, not a flipper.

   If the Pope can take in a couple of lesbos, I should be allowed to too.

   The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.

   Forgive me if I unfollow you...God only gave me so many brain cells, and I'm not about to lose them over these retarded posts you put on Facebook everyday.

   Based on the white smoke pouring out from under the hood of my car, it elected itself as the new pope.

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   And if Hillary wins the election it won't be the first time in history that a criminal moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

   Daughter: "Mom, you are in my personal space." Mom: "You came out of my personal space."

   Happy Stoners Eve

   What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.