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My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."
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09-01-2011 02:10 by
@anikethmendonca
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when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.
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09-07-2011 10:26
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The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'
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09-10-2011 22:36 by
BEGO
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My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea
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02-26-2011 14:19
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Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.
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03-01-2011 11:51
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“Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree
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03-01-2011 13:40 by
Aaron
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Hypochondriacs with OCD make the best house keepers.
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04-08-2011 08:26
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A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll
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09-26-2011 05:58 by
flinnie
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Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.
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10-14-2011 15:07 by
g0re
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The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
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07-22-2011 14:02 by
SuthernFukr
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"I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"
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07-25-2011 15:28
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The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from
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07-31-2011 16:49
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The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."
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04-19-2011 15:23 by
Gman
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Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...
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05-01-2011 23:57 by
Dysphoria
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Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.
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05-19-2011 22:14 by
BEGO
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Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here
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05-19-2011 22:29 by
BEGO
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Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.
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05-31-2015 07:47 by
huck
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To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??
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06-02-2015 13:47
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I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.
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06-06-2015 13:59 by
snotty
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Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text
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06-17-2015 19:54 by
snotty
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