Funny Status Messages

   Why are the first tissues the hardest to get out of the box? I just need one, not ten...

   The number one song on the day I was born was "Who cares" by the "Waste of times".

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.

   Just another day in paradise, minus the paradise...

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the neighbours chase me back inside.

   My hubby is on suicide watch ... All because I reminded him that we vowed to be together 'Til Death do us part'!

   Regardless of how much it snows...there is always a guy trying to drive around in his no-wheel drive camero or mustang

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lens...

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.

   I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."

   when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.

   The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   "I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"