Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   I don't know about you but putting the Kardashian's on a credit card to promote financial responsability makes as much sense as getting a nun to be a spokes woman for a condom company.

   Women never hate men enough to give us our diamonds back.

   just kicked out of the local paintball fight and the police were called.....Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

   doesn't consider them as one night stands, they're auditions.

   sits and wonders....if I was a bird, who would I crap on first...

   The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.

   When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"

   A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.

   I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.

   Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...

   "Local artist" is just fancy talk for "stinky guy nobody likes."

   Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations.

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has the timeline and security settings.

   Haven't seen David Blaine in a long time. I'd say it's his best trick ever.

   I think before we vote, we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what's REALLY on their minds.