Funny Status Messages

   doesn't consider them as one night stands, they're auditions.

   sits and wonders....if I was a bird, who would I crap on first...

   My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic

   If "fire" didn't rhyme with "desire" and "right" with "tonight" most Boy Bands wouldn't be able to write a song.

   so your telling me that facebook is gonna start charging money monthly? You remind of the people that told me that about Hotmail.. TEN YEARS AGO!"

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

   My son has been sitting at the computer for so long I almost watered him today..........

   I'm peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the trash. Worst roommate ever.

   I'm going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.

   contains Adult language, Mild Violence, Brief Nudity and Strong Sexual Content. Viewer discretion is NOT advised.

   doesn't mind taking a leap of faith, he just needs a good run up!

   Whoever said laughter is the best medicine never had gonorrhea

   there may not be an "I" in team but there's an "M" and "E"

   Today's comment intentionally left blank.

   Booty texts are much better than booty calls. You can send several out at a time and increase your chances!

   I think the world would be way cooler if we would have domesticated the bear instead the horse. Oh you pranced around, jumped a stick and ate some hay? Big deal, my bear just ate a hobo, paw'd a bee hive then roared so hard deaf people heard it.

   I'm still impressed with the dogs ability to play it cool about having eight nipples.

   I sure am glad they give me a lead vest when they're giving me x-rays at the dentist. It gives the impression those rays must be dangerous. I'd hate to have something bad happen to my chest while I'm having dangerous x-rays shot into my head.

   Don't get me wrong, I totally hear what you're saying, I just don't give a d*mn.