Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

   In the history of earth, no woman has ever successfully changed a man yet they keep trying to this very day.

   Thank god for the UNFOLLOW function. With one click, they stop existing in your world and on your timeline.

   wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   .... Global Warming is just a lot of hot air.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   Renato Bialetti, who made the stovetop coffeemaker, the Moka Express, famous, was buried inside of one after dying at age 93.

   I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"

   Adele: Hello. Lionel Richie : Hello is it me you're looking for? Pink Floyd : Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there? Me: This conference call sucks.

   " Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily

   Dating someone who didn't even finish high school is so risky, what if they leave you like they left school?

   Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...

   The term "Redneck" is so offensive....they're called "Nascar Americans".

   I'm at the "What can I make with green beans and cake mix?" stage of needing groceries.

   My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.

   If I'm a sarcastic a$$hole when I talk to you it's either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don't care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one....

   We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.

   May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of the couch.

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance