Funny Status Messages

   Two things you should never do to a woman is lie to them and be completely honest with them.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, "You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things."... I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.

   Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am

   The brain has around 100 billion neurons in it. Makes you think

   Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   The real St. Valentine was beaten, stoned and then beheaded...now that would make one hell of a Hallmark card...

   If 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it, what the hell is the tenth doctor recommending?

   How the hell does an "aspiring rapper" have a Maserati???

   I hate when I'm singing and people join in. B*tch, this aint glee.

   The hardest thing you can hit people with is the truth.

   You say you don't need to drink to have fun. All I'm hearing is designated driver.

   Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

   "Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.

   It should be made legal to strangle people to death who ruin Facebook wallposts because they didn't get the sarcasm so post a serious reply.

   There's a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email.

   Just slipped in the shower and accidentally made a new Lil Wayne song.

   I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won't notice, but, buy a new phone case...

   can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system