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2016 New Year's resolution: Tell your wife/girlfriend (or both) that every time they give you a BJ, you are going to put a dollar in an envelope. At the end of the year, you will use that money to buy her 2016 Christmas gift. More money = Nicer gift. 
The sweariest animal in all the world, is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by me after a visit from the code enforcement officer
I knew my Girl was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with Chelsea but Chelsea was laying right next to me. SMH
Tonights orgy is canceled guys. Jerry has diarrhea...
Hey Obama, get your head out of your a$$, and start protecting the American people.
That's ok about the cancellation,, Cuz I went on a date with a dolphin today,, Yeah, we just clicked.
Some people are like clouds, when they go away, the day gets brigher.
Stupid autocorrect always making me say things I didn't Nintendo.
Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon
My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this
Gross. A stranger just smiled at me.
over the river and through the woods, man this Uber driver is lost
Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're seeing double in St Louis
Lazy is as lazy doesn't.
I'd lilke to thank my dealer for today, I'm halfway through my businesss day and haven't killed anyone. You sir are a true Hero.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..
"Kiss me" she said. "Kiss me like I've never been kissed before"....So I crammed my tongue up her nose.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?
I heard Justin Bieber is going transgender to become a man. He is going to use the name Bruce Jenner. He has already been awarded 936 man of the year awards too