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She preaches, "It's what on the inside that matters." But then go on to post 20 selfies per day. 
It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart. One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.
Happy B-day United States Marine Corps 240 years of Bad Assery
If anything should offend you about Starbucks, it's the price of their coffee.
No skirt girl just left. She asked if she could wear my shirt home since it was longer than her dress. One less shirt to pack.
Why I love Asia: I wanted a hooker. Called service. Said I didn't know what I wanted. They sent a van with 10 girls and let me choose.
Slept alone last night. Very nice. You would be surprised how many girls snore.
man merely a mistake of G0d's? Or G0d merely a mistake of man?
My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.
My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!
I love my women like I love my coffee beans. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.
I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.
You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.
When you order your coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is "Merry Christmas"
Shut up about the red cup and drink your fkn coffee. #StarbucksRedCup
I just want to find a radio station that isn't playing the new Adele song,,,, is that too much to ask.
Yep, no one will notice you're fat if you use a dog or little kids for a profile pic.
OK WHERE CAN I EAT AT AND NOT PISS EVERYBODY OFF?