Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   ❤ I loved Chris Martin, Bruno Mars and Beyoncé singing "We gotta get it together right now," which pretty much summarizes the Panthers offense...

   Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

   "What?!?! You mean to tell me spoons don't actually sound like airplanes?" --Babies

   Valentines Day: A woman is sitting at home with her husband and says, "I love you." He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

   Annoyed kitty, touchy kitty, grouchy ball of fur. Moody kitty, grumpy kitty, grrr, grrr, grrr....

   Although the American founding fathers were pictured as old men many were young during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, James Madison 25, James Monroe 18, and Thamas Jefferson was 33!!! Gee, what have I accomplished at those ages?

   If women wrote Valentines Candy Hearts: "Not 2nite", "Did you fart?", "Pick up your socks", "R you listening", "Oh, and another thing", and "U snore".

   Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.

   Carolina's goin' down like a Two-Dollar Ho.

   Only 3 types of people tell the truth: Kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the f*ck off.

   I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.

   We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.

   We can all safely assume Cam Newton is crying himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and quite possibly for the rest of his life.

   Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

   You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.

   Wait...you mean I can make phone calls with this selfie machine?

   I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.

   I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.

   Fact: If the human population held hands across the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.