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My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.
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01-25-2013 12:46
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Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??
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01-25-2013 16:49
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Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.
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02-05-2013 19:41 by
hihuggiehi
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Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.
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10-23-2012 09:50 by
Doc Noland
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Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
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10-24-2012 13:29 by
Marshall the Great
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If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
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11-05-2012 14:13
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Strangly enough we will need China to finance us in our war against them ! Crazy thing is they will probably do it !
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11-07-2012 09:53
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One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too.
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11-12-2012 15:18 by
Jackoo
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The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.
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11-28-2012 16:26 by
SEAN
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Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.
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10-23-2012 09:54
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I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.
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11-05-2012 06:14 by
Huck
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Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.
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11-06-2012 18:57 by
BEGO
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Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.
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11-09-2012 01:41
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So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?
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12-08-2012 09:57 by
SEAN
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After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.
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12-13-2012 13:11
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I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.
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12-14-2012 04:35 by
Name
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The real St. Valentine was beaten, stoned and then beheaded...now that would make one hell of a Hallmark card...
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02-13-2013 23:55 by
the turk
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If 9 out of 10 doctors recommend it, what the hell is the tenth doctor recommending?
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02-25-2013 05:21
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How the hell does an "aspiring rapper" have a Maserati???
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02-28-2013 21:03
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I hate when I'm singing and people join in. B*tch, this aint glee.
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03-07-2013 06:43 by
truman
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