Funny Status Messages

   Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!

   Jumbo tampons and magnum condoms should be on the same shelf for chance meetings and match making purposes.

   Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.

   Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.

   I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.

   It's called mankind because womanmean just sounded too obvious.

   I'd drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.

   Purposefully wearing white today. My level of badassery knows no bounds!

   I wish more people were fluent in silence.

   Women are weird. Hundreds of people can tell them they're beautiful but they'll obsess over the one person that doesn't.