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I didn't see a friend's day video of Ross, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, & Chandler 
Shooting a bear doesn't make you a badass. Feeding a bear while her cub humps your leg makes you a f*cking badass!!!
Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.
When I die I want my last words to be "Andy's coming quick act like a toy."
My life may be a mess but at least I know the difference between "your" and "you're".
Bacon Fact #11: Bacon is healthier than crystal meth.
When you are dead you don't know that you're dead, but it's hard for the people around you. It's the same if you are stupid.
Admit it, you don't call Gatorade by it's flavors, you call it by it's colors.
They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.
If you are sick or in some kind of trouble and I send you prayers, please note that I don’t really care about you otherwise I would get off my ass and do something practical for you.
Superbowl: Rock Out With Your Guac Out!!!
When someone thinks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.
Rest In Peace Dinosaurs!!! Can"t Believe it 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts.
You ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend 1 month in the hospital.
Valentines: Someday you will meet that amazing person who just gets you. And they won't text you back either.
I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.
Are you having a mental relationship with a celebrity who doesn't even know you exist?
I don't mind when people exercise their right to free speech, but I'd prefer they'd exercise their right to remain silent.
My wife's snoring was so bad, I woke up and thought my buddies came over on their Harleys.
How does Ted Cruz always look both happy and sad? "I like lasagna but it's not what I ordered", his face says.
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