Funny Status Messages

   Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!

   Kia recalls 146,000 US vehicles - there are gonna be a LOT of angry hamsters!

   NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something.

   The McRib is like an exgirlfriend visiting, you know you probably shouldn't do it, but hey, it's back for a limited time.

   So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...

   How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?

   So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...

   I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.

   Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song...

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!

   It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.