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I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't think they're ugly or something. 
The McRib is like an exgirlfriend visiting, you know you probably shouldn't do it, but hey, it's back for a limited time.
So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...
How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?
I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.
PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.
Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song...
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.
I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."
I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.
It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!
If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look. 