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A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered.
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03-27-2012 14:14 by
Marshall the Great
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I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
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03-27-2012 14:20 by
Marshall the Great
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Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.
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03-29-2012 00:25 by
fadolo
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I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!
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02-21-2012 22:23 by
BEGO
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Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.
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06-24-2012 05:22 by
hihuggiehi
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Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.
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03-09-2013 00:35 by
Aaron
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Most popular words spoken by a Pastor today..."Wow ...I haven't seen you since last Easter "
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03-31-2013 11:25 by
Steve OH
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The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.
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04-04-2013 16:41
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I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere
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04-06-2013 10:04 by
snotty
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If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
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04-18-2013 19:24
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The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.
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06-16-2013 14:01 by
hihuggiehi
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Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.
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07-17-2013 12:12 by
Czovczov
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I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee
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08-13-2013 07:58 by
equaloppjoker
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To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .
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09-06-2013 21:18
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I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.
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02-05-2013 08:43 by
SEAN
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Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.
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07-15-2012 10:03 by
zubindalal1
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I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
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07-23-2012 01:39 by
Aaron
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Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.
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08-12-2012 18:30 by
Aaron
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Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.
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08-27-2012 11:40 by
SEAN
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My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"
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09-13-2012 12:11 by
Reznor
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